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Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
11:39 am

I know that a lot of people thought there was something suspicious about the Presidential election, and a lot of wiseass comments have been made about me not really being the President. Well, a bunch of newspapers did a systematic recount of all the ballots, and they have published their results.

Yes, if you count all the chads, even the so-called "dimpled chads", Mr Gore won by 107 votes. But if you require at least one corner detached to count it as a vote, which was the prevailing standard at the time, Mr Gore only won by 60 votes. And if you require more than one dimpled chad on a ballot before you'll count dimpled chads, he only won by 42 votes. If you count only the chads where two corners were detached, Mr Gore won by 105 votes; but obviously that's too picky a requirement. If you take the county results instead, for the counties who completed a hand recount, Mr Gore won by 171 votes.

But what's important is that if you count only the counties where the Gore team demanded a recount, I still win. And if you don't count any of the disputed votes at all, I still win. So I'm the President. The people have spoken. Or at least, some of them have.

Obviously the Liberal media have been conspiring to keep this out of the news. The Washington Post said "Florida Recounts Would Have Favored Bush", and CNN said "Bush would still have been elected president".

Thursday, November 8th, 2001
7:06 pm

I'm sorry I haven't been able to update my journal in a real long time. I hope you'll understand that what with the terrible events of 9/11, I have had other priorities. But now that things are settling down, I've gotten the Secret Service boys to arrange an Internet connection for the PC in my maximum security Presidential bunker, so I can brief you on things.

Obviously many of you have been worried about my safety, what with the anthrax scares. Well, the doctors have tested me, and they say that none of the white powder they found up my nose was anthrax. You can sleep soundly at night.

It has been good to see so many other countries rallying round to support us. There have been a few unfortunate misunderstandings though. I read a newspaper report that the Queen of England was going to give an ornery nighthood to the man whose courage in the face of terror had shown America what true leadership was about. I asked Karl what I should wear for the ceremony, and he said "Whatever you like, George, she's giving the award to Rudy Giuliani."

Obviously the Queen doesn't understand our American system of govment. Still, you know what they say about royalty. I don't know how a country can let itself be ruled by some inbred idiot, just because they were born to some previous ruler. Karl said he doesn't understand it either, and gave me a strange look.

So far the war seems to be going pretty good. The FBI tell me that the hijackers were Saudi and Egyptian. Apparently those are the names of the people who are at war in Afghanistan. There have been some good victories; those sneaky Talibans were getting food from some organization called the Red Cross. I'm not sure who they are; it sounds like a Communist thing, but I'm pretty sure Mr Putin said Russia is on our side. Anyway, we soon put a stop to the Taliban by bombing the Red Cross.

Friday, September 7th, 2001
1:59 pm - Triumphal return

I'm sure you all have been wondering where I've been. Well, even though I'm the President, I'm just an ordinary American. And like every ordinary American, I've been taking a month of paid summer vacation.

It seems like while I've been gone, some of you have been taking your eyes off the ball with regards to the economy. Today stocks are down, unemployment is up. Well let me tell you, fourteen of the last fifteen Republican Presidents have had a recession during their first term of office, and I'm sure as hell not going to be number fifteen. Or maybe sixteen. It's not important. Anyway, get out there and spend like there's no tomorrow. There will be a turnaround by the end of the year, I'm sure.

I see there's also been some fuss about how we're going to have to spend $9 billion of the Social Security surplus to pay for the tax cut. It's so ridiculous -- why do the Democrats think it's called a surplus? Don't they know what the word means? It means it's extra money you can spend.

Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
9:07 pm

Last month Mister Cheney said I had to pick a director of the National Security Council office for democracy and human rights. He said I should pick someone with really strong convictions. So I picked Elliott Abrams -- he was convicted of two counts of lying to Congress.

Abrams also covered up the El Mozote massacre, raised millions of dollars for the Contras, and covered up the export of weapons to them -- so I'm sure he knows exactly what human rights and democracy are all about, and how to avoid them.

What I don't get is why the Democrats are making such a fuss about it now. It's not like he actually needed to be confirmed by the Senate, so what business is it of theirs?

Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
9:15 pm - Electorial reform

Today I was pleased to endorse Jimmy Carter's recommendations for electoral reform. I particularly agree with his four main principles, especially the principle that states should have primacy in determining the outcome of elections.

Saturday, July 21st, 2001
5:20 pm

Yerp was pretty bad. On Thursday I was in London, and explained to everyone that I'm not an isolationist; it's just that I'm right, and everyone in Yerp is wrong, and I don't need to listen to them to find that out.

Got back from Yerp to find Karl with another treaty he wanted me to deal with. Sure, I said, leave it on my desk like you did the Geneva Convention, Kyoto Protocol and ABM Treaty, and I'll tear it up when I've got a couple of minutes spare.

Then he told me that this time we were going to keep our word on this one, but we needed to sort out some of the details. Something about chemical weapons. I said hell Karl, didn't ya see the news from Italy? I seen more than enough chemical weapons in the last week. As I said to President Putin, Russia is no longer the enemy -- it's our own people who are the enemy!



current mood: jetlagged
Sunday, July 15th, 2001
6:29 pm

Today we had a bunch of children in wheelchairs over to play ball at the White House. It was a chance to show my great affinity with the mentally handicapped.

Now I must return to Yerp to show my leadership skills again.

Friday, July 13th, 2001
10:24 pm - Doing something about global warming

Great news for tree huggers -- I've instructed NASA to spend $120 million studying up what we should do about global warming. The Department of Energy is also starting two other projects to study ways that we might be able to start doing something about global warming one day. They're being helped by BP, Amoco, Shell, Chevron and Texaco. All the studying should be finished just after the next presidential election.

Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
10:14 am - Patients rites

Patient's Rights have been very much on my mind recently. We definitely mustn't provide prescription drugs to seniors. That would be the thin end of a wedge of socialism. What we need to do instead is to improve the way the free market works.

My proposal is simple: For those who have an HMO, the Patient's Bill of Rights will guarantee the right to complain. If you don't get vital medical treatment and end up dying, you'll be able to take your case to a board made up of professionals from the healthcare industry. They'll be able to decide whether your HMO acted improperly.

In addition, seniors will get a prescription drug discount card. Corporations will be able to volunteer to buy drugs in bulk and sell them at discount to people who have one of those cards, if they want to. The discount card will be priced real cheap so seniors can afford it.



current mood: caring
Friday, July 6th, 2001
5:56 pm - Happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday. I didn't get many presents, but then, some of daddy's friends already gave me the Presidentsy, which has to be the greatest gift a straight C student ever got!

Mister Cheney is going to get a present too -- a new heart monitor! It's programmed so that every time he has a heart attack, it'll zap him like they do with those things that look like steam irons on "ER". He'll be back up and running in no time, and I won't have to worry about any difficult decisions.

Karl said that it was like Pennsylvanian Avenue was the Yellow Brick Road. Then he said something about Mister Cheney being the tin man and me being the scarecrow. Maybe he's been working too hard, he wasn't making much sense.

Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
8:10 pm - My report card

CBC News and the New York Times have carried out a poll to see how people think I'm doing in the President. No doubt the liberal media will think it's some kind of bad grade, so I think I'm going to educate you in some of the highlights.

  • Only 53% of people think the country is going in the wrong direction, as opposed to 58% last month.
  • 37% of people think foreign countries respect me.
  • 44% of people think I have the skills necessary to negotiate with foreign leaders.
  • 39% of people approve of my position on the environment.
  • 33% of people approve of my position on our energy crisis.
  • A full 60% of people think I care about their situation a least some.
  • 25% say I'm focusing on the right issues.

I know those numbers aren't perfect, but hey, they're a hell of a lot better than I ever got at Yale, and look at me now!



current mood: accomplished
Saturday, June 16th, 2001
9:22 pm

Today I am in Slovenia, meeting President Putin. I asked him how long he had been President of Slovenia. He laughed, and said "Oh, George, I am not President of Slovenia yet." Then he gave me a funny look.

Mister Cheney had told me to use my charm to see if me and Mister Putin could come to some agreement about a place called Chechnya. So I said to him that I'd like to see ethnic bloodshed wiped out in Chechnya. He laughed again, and said that he too would like to wipe out Chechnya.

I'm real good at sensing into people's soles, and clearly Putin is a man I can trust, a man of principal.



current mood: accomplished
Thursday, June 14th, 2001
10:41 pm - My trip to Yerp is a great success

I started off in Spain, where they speak Mexican. I think it must be a Mexican colony. They were so excited about my visit that thousands of people marched through the city.

Then in Belgium I saw the Yerpian Parlament. I don't really remember too much else about Belgium.

Today I am in a town called Sweden, talking to important people from Yerp about Global Warming. A while ago I asked for a special report to see if it was real and stuff. Well, the scientists came back with the report, and they say it's definitely real, and it's been real bad for the last twenty years.

Clearly this is a call for urgent action. So I have ordered a study to investigate the details of the special report, and put together a memorandum on whether the Global Warming mentioned in the special report is because of humans or not. Right now we just don't know. It could be cattle farts, or space aliens, or some kind of plot by those whackos in the Sierra Club. In fact, that cow thing makes me think. I think I'm going to order a special investigation to see if Global Warming might be caused by too much wildlife. Maybe can reduce it by drilling for oil in Alaska.

I also took an important step towards world peace by announcing that we will no longer be bombing and shelling Puerto Rico.



current mood: optimistic
Saturday, June 9th, 2001
6:06 pm - If I had a hammer

I am going away to a place called Yerp. It's a bunch of tiny countries near Russia, and I have to go there because its where we keep our missiles. Mister Cheney says I'm not allowed to upset them, so Carl Rove has spent the whole week teaching me about them.

Not much to add right now. Typing hurts, because I was setting an example putting hammer to nail today.



current mood: sore
Sunday, May 27th, 2001
4:19 pm - Another major league asshole

Dammit, we've lost control of Congress. How could this happen? Mister Cheney says maybe when I met with Jeffords a week or two ago I shouldn't have ended the meeting with "...and the horse you rode in on". Maybe that was going too far. But I'm a uniter, why didn't he just unite behind me?



current mood: aggravated
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001
1:10 pm

I was real excited today. Mister Cheney had asked me a few days back if I was interested in meeting the Dali Llama. I said sure, I like llamas, they're kinda cute. Remind me of the cattle ranches back in Texas. Mister Cheney said this llama was a great spiritual leader, worshipped by the people of Tibet. I thought hey, whatever floats their boat -- after all, don't those Hindu people worship cows?

Anyway, today I met the Dali Llama, and it turned out it wasn't a llama at all, just some old bald guy in an orange dress. I think I managed to hide my disappointment pretty good. I dialoged with him for a while. He said something about a country called Tibet that the Chinese have stolen. Like I want to hear anything more about China right now! He said he was a Buddhist, so I told him the one about the Buddhist who goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything". He smiled, but I'm not sure he got it. Maybe I should take him to a baseball match like I did the Queen of England.

Monday, May 21st, 2001
7:51 am - Another day, another treaty

Colin Powell has come to me with another dumb UN treaty to tear up. This one's called the Geneva Convention, it was signed back in 1972 so it's obviously real out of date. A bunch of UN guys have spent six years negotiating a new agreement to update it.

I asked Colin what it was about. He says it's something to do with chemical weapons and biological weapons. I said that didn't sound like such a bad idea, but then he said no, it means we'll have to stop making them and let other countries check up on us to make sure we're not lying. So hell no, we're not signing that!

Besides, a piece of paper didn't stop Saddam Hussein from buying nerve gas from us, so obviously there's no way to control what some unelected dictator will do with chemical weapons. So no Geneva Convention for me.

Friday, May 11th, 2001
1:02 pm - Code S Emergency

We had a real shock today. I was at GOP HQ talking to my buddies, when one of the alarms went off. At first I thought it was the alarm attached to Mister Cheney's heart monitor, but I looked over at him and he was fine. No, it was a Code S -- Strom Thurman's life support monitor.

Everybody leaped into action, because if that old boy kicks the bucket, we lose control of the Senate. It's hard enough already -- he's so close to death that every time we want to talk to him, we have to hold a seance. He's got an assistant who tells him how to vote now, and wipes away the drool every now and again.

Anyway, an EMS team was dispatched to Senator Thurman's office, but it turned out to be a false alarm. The maid had just unplugged him so she could plug in the vacuum cleaner. Man, we were so pissed. Still, we all had a good laugh when we had her deported.

Tuesday, May 8th, 2001
2:27 pm

This week everybody has been busy reviewing the great achievements of my first hundred days in office. I have ignored the trivia issues, such as appointing an ambassador to the UN. In fact, we're not even going to bother having a UN rep in the Cabinet. Instead I have worked late many afternoons campaigning for important things, like tax cuts for rich dead people.

That's not all I've done. I dealt with a major international incident involving China. (I can't use the H word, but you know what I mean.) Plus, I was firm enough with China to make it into a big incident in the first place, so that's an achievement too.

People act like they're shocked by this UN thing. I tell them, now that the USA is free of responsibility about the UN Human Rights Commission, we will be able to keep executing criminals the way I did in Texas. About time! Although Texas helped cut some of the slack, the USA is still only #4 in executions worldwide. China, Iran and Saudi Arabia still manage to beat us. But we execute more children than any other country in the world, so I'm sure we'll get our adult execution rate up eventually.

Wednesday, April 25th, 2001
5:07 pm

Yet again the press are making some big thing out of a tiny error. In an interview on ABC I said I hadn't talked to dad about this whole China thing. When they called to confirm, some guy in the White House told them that yes, I'd called daddy for help. Now they're making a big deal out of the whole thing. Do those smart-ass reporters really expect me to remember whether I've talked to my own father?

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