(no subject)

I know that a lot of people thought there was something suspicious about the Presidential election, and a lot of wiseass comments have been made about me not really being the President. Well, a bunch of newspapers did a systematic recount of all the ballots, and they have published their results.

Yes, if you count all the chads, even the so-called "dimpled chads", Mr Gore won by 107 votes. But if you require at least one corner detached to count it as a vote, which was the prevailing standard at the time, Mr Gore only won by 60 votes. And if you require more than one dimpled chad on a ballot before you'll count dimpled chads, he only won by 42 votes. If you count only the chads where two corners were detached, Mr Gore won by 105 votes; but obviously that's too picky a requirement. If you take the county results instead, for the counties who completed a hand recount, Mr Gore won by 171 votes.

But what's important is that if you count only the counties where the Gore team demanded a recount, I still win. And if you don't count any of the disputed votes at all, I still win. So I'm the President. The people have spoken. Or at least, some of them have.

Obviously the Liberal media have been conspiring to keep this out of the news. The Washington Post said "Florida Recounts Would Have Favored Bush", and CNN said "Bush would still have been elected president".

(no subject)

I'm sorry I haven't been able to update my journal in a real long time. I hope you'll understand that what with the terrible events of 9/11, I have had other priorities. But now that things are settling down, I've gotten the Secret Service boys to arrange an Internet connection for the PC in my maximum security Presidential bunker, so I can brief you on things.

Obviously many of you have been worried about my safety, what with the anthrax scares. Well, the doctors have tested me, and they say that none of the white powder they found up my nose was anthrax. You can sleep soundly at night.

It has been good to see so many other countries rallying round to support us. There have been a few unfortunate misunderstandings though. I read a newspaper report that the Queen of England was going to give an ornery nighthood to the man whose courage in the face of terror had shown America what true leadership was about. I asked Karl what I should wear for the ceremony, and he said "Whatever you like, George, she's giving the award to Rudy Giuliani."

Obviously the Queen doesn't understand our American system of govment. Still, you know what they say about royalty. I don't know how a country can let itself be ruled by some inbred idiot, just because they were born to some previous ruler. Karl said he doesn't understand it either, and gave me a strange look.

So far the war seems to be going pretty good. The FBI tell me that the hijackers were Saudi and Egyptian. Apparently those are the names of the people who are at war in Afghanistan. There have been some good victories; those sneaky Talibans were getting food from some organization called the Red Cross. I'm not sure who they are; it sounds like a Communist thing, but I'm pretty sure Mr Putin said Russia is on our side. Anyway, we soon put a stop to the Taliban by bombing the Red Cross.

Triumphal return

I'm sure you all have been wondering where I've been. Well, even though I'm the President, I'm just an ordinary American. And like every ordinary American, I've been taking a month of paid summer vacation.

It seems like while I've been gone, some of you have been taking your eyes off the ball with regards to the economy. Today stocks are down, unemployment is up. Well let me tell you, fourteen of the last fifteen Republican Presidents have had a recession during their first term of office, and I'm sure as hell not going to be number fifteen. Or maybe sixteen. It's not important. Anyway, get out there and spend like there's no tomorrow. There will be a turnaround by the end of the year, I'm sure.

I see there's also been some fuss about how we're going to have to spend $9 billion of the Social Security surplus to pay for the tax cut. It's so ridiculous -- why do the Democrats think it's called a surplus? Don't they know what the word means? It means it's extra money you can spend.

(no subject)

Last month Mister Cheney said I had to pick a director of the National Security Council office for democracy and human rights. He said I should pick someone with really strong convictions. So I picked Elliott Abrams -- he was convicted of two counts of lying to Congress.

Abrams also covered up the El Mozote massacre, raised millions of dollars for the Contras, and covered up the export of weapons to them -- so I'm sure he knows exactly what human rights and democracy are all about, and how to avoid them.

What I don't get is why the Democrats are making such a fuss about it now. It's not like he actually needed to be confirmed by the Senate, so what business is it of theirs?

Electorial reform

Today I was pleased to endorse Jimmy Carter's recommendations for electoral reform. I particularly agree with his four main principles, especially the principle that states should have primacy in determining the outcome of elections.

(no subject)

Yerp was pretty bad. On Thursday I was in London, and explained to everyone that I'm not an isolationist; it's just that I'm right, and everyone in Yerp is wrong, and I don't need to listen to them to find that out.

Got back from Yerp to find Karl with another treaty he wanted me to deal with. Sure, I said, leave it on my desk like you did the Geneva Convention, Kyoto Protocol and ABM Treaty, and I'll tear it up when I've got a couple of minutes spare.

Then he told me that this time we were going to keep our word on this one, but we needed to sort out some of the details. Something about chemical weapons. I said hell Karl, didn't ya see the news from Italy? I seen more than enough chemical weapons in the last week. As I said to President Putin, Russia is no longer the enemy -- it's our own people who are the enemy!

  • Current Mood

Doing something about global warming

Great news for tree huggers -- I've instructed NASA to spend $120 million studying up what we should do about global warming. The Department of Energy is also starting two other projects to study ways that we might be able to start doing something about global warming one day. They're being helped by BP, Amoco, Shell, Chevron and Texaco. All the studying should be finished just after the next presidential election.

Patients rites

Patient's Rights have been very much on my mind recently. We definitely mustn't provide prescription drugs to seniors. That would be the thin end of a wedge of socialism. What we need to do instead is to improve the way the free market works.

My proposal is simple: For those who have an HMO, the Patient's Bill of Rights will guarantee the right to complain. If you don't get vital medical treatment and end up dying, you'll be able to take your case to a board made up of professionals from the healthcare industry. They'll be able to decide whether your HMO acted improperly.

In addition, seniors will get a prescription drug discount card. Corporations will be able to volunteer to buy drugs in bulk and sell them at discount to people who have one of those cards, if they want to. The discount card will be priced real cheap so seniors can afford it.

  • Current Mood

Happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday. I didn't get many presents, but then, some of daddy's friends already gave me the Presidentsy, which has to be the greatest gift a straight C student ever got!

Mister Cheney is going to get a present too -- a new heart monitor! It's programmed so that every time he has a heart attack, it'll zap him like they do with those things that look like steam irons on "ER". He'll be back up and running in no time, and I won't have to worry about any difficult decisions.

Karl said that it was like Pennsylvanian Avenue was the Yellow Brick Road. Then he said something about Mister Cheney being the tin man and me being the scarecrow. Maybe he's been working too hard, he wasn't making much sense.